Thursday, January 17, 2013

Lots of Frustration

I hate writing in a notebook, so I thought I would start here.  There are days when I am so frustrated that I just want to pull my hair out. Sometimes it's the kids. Sometimes it's my husband or family. I have no way to let it out, but here. I really don't have a best friend anymore. She never calls or talks to me. I am tired of begging for her attention, which I really do feel like I beg her to talk to me. I feel like my husband doesn't care for what I have to say most of the time. My little things that bother me, I just don't talk about. So I bottle it up and just let it sit there. I am going to put them here from now on.

I am 28 years old and I am definitely NOT where I want to be in life, but that's no one's fault but my own. I am pretty much a screw up. I am living in the basement of the mother of the girl that cheated with my ex. The girl he left me for. Talk about a episode of Jerry Springer! She is a wonderful person though. It's kind of funny. I have 3 children. My stepson Michael, is 8. My son Ryleigh is 4. My daughter Raylyn is 2. They are all so very smart and everyday they impress me and crack me up. I stay at home with them. I have been unemployed now for a little over 2 years. I have applied and applied and applied for jobs, but I get the interview and then never call backs. It sucks. But then again, I don't know how I could afford daycare if I where to go to work. I watch her grand kids and son during the week and she pays me, plus it takes care of our part of the bills. My husband works for Waffle House. He loves to cook. He is a wonderful cook. He is a great dad and husband. We have our ups and downs, but everyone does.

Like I said, I am not where I want to be in life. Especially when I am 28 and I feel like the biggest failure. I feel like I am a burden. I am most definitely the black sheep in the family. Tattoos, piercings, different colored hair. Having kids when I'm not married. I didn't finish college. I am not by the book Christian. I am a big disappointment to my family. I am always the one that needs help when it comes to money. I am sure I owe my parents tons. I hate that my mom looks at me with disappointment in her eyes most of the time. I know she loves me, but I think she is ashamed of me. I think I am damn good mother though. I could have just dropped them off at her doorstep and said "Here, you take care of them. I am going to go back to living my life" I didn't though. When I had my job, I busted my butt to take care of them.

I have been going through a bad bout of depression here lately. I finally get my diabetes under control and then I here comes the sadness. It's been there for a while I think. I just tried to mask it with fake smiles and fake happiness. I don't really understand why I am sad though. We have a roof over our heads and food in the house. My kids are taken care of and provided for. The sadness and the emptiness is still there though. It's like a empty cookie jar. I woke up one morning and I just sat on the end of my bed and cried . I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to be alive. I wanted to crawl in a house and sleep my life away. And I just didn't get why I was feeling that way. I went to the doctor and she gave me something to help. So far so good. I am just going to keep with it. I am on 11 different medicines. I have diabetes, so there are 2 kinds of insulin. I have a blood disorder so I have something for that. I am a medicine to protect my kidneys from damage from the high blood sugars. Meds for foot and leg pain. It just goes on and on. 

I thought I would own a house, car, have money in the bank. I am not even close to that. I don't know if I will ever get there. Everyday my worries just keep going up and up. It also frustrates me when someone tells me something and then they forget what they tell me and then I am made to feel stupid. I was really upset about that tonight.I felt like an idiot. That's why I have started writing everything down so I can show when and what's said. 

I know this seems all over the place and it is. These are my thoughts. Things that just pop out of my brain.  Let's hope that they start to become happier thoughts.